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Ester Babajanyan's Stories

• “Look inside” (Youth & Peace)

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“Look inside” (Youth & Peace)

Peace for me means feeling secure wherever I am. It is not obligatory that war should be. I lose my peace any time I feel myself helpless and unprotected: when I cross the street and there is no assuredness of not being run over by a car driving at a high speed; when I take a taxi and its technical state does not leave place to feel safe against accidents.
I am a student and I know beforehand that the cold of the reading room would only allow me to read the half of the planned.
My friends start to misunderstand me and I come to believe I am losing them. I fail to understand my friends and I begin to hesitate whether I am friendly at all. Somebody fills me with despair and a period of doubt falls over me.
People don't believe me I lose any desire to believe myself. And again insecurity, fear, panic, inexplicable anxiety, things that give birth to doubtfulness, alarms for the future, fading desire to progress, hardly felt hope to reach something valuable. Yes, hardly felt hope instead of assuredness, unstable ideas instead of clearly cut out objectives. Yes, ideas and plans, which gradually dissolve in the absence of a firm ground.
It is difficult to feel peaceful even in a country where there is no war. You feel insecure just trying to earn your living. You see gloomy faces around you, and it is not the idea of peace that wanders in your mind, but one concerning your coexistence with those people.
Again enforced masks, senseless conflicts, tenseness, hidden aggression or just cruel indifference… Doesn't it look like a real war inside oneself, the absence of which would only mean peace for me?

Wrote at 20 years old age